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all about ambiguity, procrastination, and my endless pursuit

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9/2/05 08:12 pm

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9/2/05 08:09 pm

hey guys, sorry been away so long - holiday and stuff, things not been going too great. i feel crap, i should have tried harder to resist bad food, but we ate at restaurants all the time then at my grandparent's everyone was watching me cos they think i'm too thin, whatev. oh yeah and i've got a job, at an ice cream and bagel bar, ARGH, but i gave some food away to my mum and a homeless guy, and from now on i know what i can eat that's healthy, and i'll take my ice cream home for my mum/dad.

today i've not done so well either, about 620 kcals, but at least not so bad, eh.

8/15/05 12:37 am

mon - wed, fast.
allowed: fibre tabs, diet soda, flavoured water (0 kcal), coffee, tea

on thursday, i get important exam results (ASs). so, i could say i'm fasting for luck. and if i eat i'll fail. not only will i be fat, i'll be thick too. every time i'm tempted by food i'll imagine myself opening my results envelope. i dont usually have a problem with willpower once i decide to stick to something though. i'm not usually a superstitious person either.

thurs - sat, liquid fast
allowed: fibre tabs, milk, soup, alcohol (on thurs night only), coffee, tea...

going to do: crunches, lunges, squats, leg lifts

in paris: don't over-eat. try to choose healthily.

at grandparent's: meal times: choose soup or salad where possible, but vegetables and low calorie ready meals (quorn perhaps) or whatever i have to eat. yogurt or fruit for breakfast if it is necessary. if have to eat for energy, apples, apples, apples. enjoy the walking.

8/12/05 10:39 am

ignorance really PISSES me off!


hah. i'm turning into a right bitch. i think i like it, lol.

8/11/05 11:32 pm

yogurt - 60
candarel - 4
fruit salad - 70
skimmed milk (in coffee/tea) - 60
soup - 50
spoon of veggies - 5
apple - 50
shapers ginger beer - 5
ribena - 6
sip of alchol x 2 - 10?
taste of jam - 3?

= 323

better than yesterday!

8/11/05 12:09 am

apparently, today i've burnt almost the same number of calories as i ate. i swam 3500 metres, and it took me about 2 hours, which is 1500 according to some websites and 884 according to others... i want to believe the higher figure... it doesnt really make a difference though. i ate an estimated 1613 kcals. which included a veggie bake i made (trying to use up vegetables that i asked for so that i can do a liquid fast, weird logic there). i put cheese on it and quinoa (a grain) in it, so that my mum would also eat some... i ended up eating about 3/4 of it. my mum said "it's great to see you eating large amounts!" hmmm. there's some of the vegetables left without cheese, or quinoa, the whole thing comes to an estimated 250 kcals.

i dont think i will go swimming tomorrow. my knees hurt and i've washed my hair... what an excuse.

i was going to meet my friends today but it got cancelled because of weather (what weather?). my friend who told me asked if i wanted to bake insted. i couldnt eat AND not exercise, and eat things that arent the vegeteables besides that! so went swimming insted...

tomorrow, i think i'm going to have the other half of a fruit salad i bought myself for swimming (yum, M&S sunshine) (70), some plain fat free yogurt (46), with candarel (4), coffee with skimmed milk (15), then go shopping for the day. i'm going to buy a short denim skirt, at last! and look at school books so i can work with my tutor on stuff from my syllabus. then come home, eat about half of the vegetable thing (125), an egg white (15), and maybe an apple (50). and some coffee with skimmed milk (30), and some caffeine pills. then go out and see some of my friends. i wont drink. if i need a buzz, i know where the caffeine pills are! actually i might take some extra strong coffee in a thermosk flask. so that's a planned... 275-350 kcals. not bad. i bet i wont stick to it though.

yesterday i ate like a pig(most of it in front of my mum tho, and had a meal out with her, so its good cos then she doesnt worry) but swam 3000 metres. i didn't gain, but im not sure if i lost cos my scales were being funny and showed 3 different readings in the space of a minute...

8/4/05 01:22 am

so, yesterday i had 700-800 kcals on the cabbage soup diet
im sooo thirsty and ive drunken so much. i think ineed to slowly cut down on water intake... it's not good to have to get up more than 3 times in the night.

2 bowls soup ~220
sweetener ~10
cinnamon ~2
all spice ~4
caraway seeds ~4
herbes de provence ~3
vanilla essence ~10
fat free plain yogurt ~115 (sooooooo yummy though)
brown rice = 180 (i didn't put it in the soup so i'm eating it as i feel like it. its a variation of the 'new' csd anyway)
brocolli = 42
mushrooms ~45
a carrot ~20
a baked onion ~25
a baby tomato ~5
baked potato = ~175
2.5 ml olive oil = 21
teeny bit skimmed milk (tut tut, it's a yogurt day) ~15

= 896 kcals. and thats when i'm eating as much as i want - no prizes for guessing how the diet works... the only day that will be a normal amount of kcals (i think) is the banana and milk day - they say 7 x 8-ounce glasses of milk (that's ~1.5 litres or 3 pints!!!) plus 1 x 8-ounce serving no fat yogurt (or another serving of milk), and 3-6 bananas. well, assuming i have 2 pints of skimmed milk, that's 400 kcals, plus 3 bananas (small-medium one would be 80 kcals), that would be 640 kcals on its own, and you're supposed to have at least one serving of the soup. maybe i will have rice cakes insted of actual rice that day. or maybe i'll have it with my dinner, dunno. that day could be as low as 800 or as high as 1600+ (soup is unlimited), depending on what you choose! maybe it's supposed to be a metabolism booster day.
i'm actually quite looking forward to the treat of bananas, i never (hardly) let myself have a whole one when restricting cos they're so high in kcals, and when bingeing i dont really go for bananas... i might even eat the full 6, but that would make me feel very guilty. i could make a banana milkshake, banana ice cream (freeze a milkshake), baked banana, a banana on its own... wow endless possibilities.

i've actually gained whilst being on the diet. stupidness. hoping it's water weight cos i gained almost a kilo (~2 pounds). also am very bloated. gonna stick with the diet though... considering a fast after. maybe a liquid fast. or just milk. soup is yummy though (will probaby not have cabbage soup, lol, something that is actually liquid), and would save me having to make up excuses for dinner - i hate lying. well, tomorrow is fruit and veggies. i made such a yummy pudding today - the brown rice, cooked then microwaved with water and a trickle of skimmed milk (ooh a cheet, naughty naughty), cinnamon and canderel, then topped it with yogurt. i'm still hungry though. the soup doesn't fill me up! hoping that means i'm losing weight at least...

i saw charlie and the chocolate factory today. it was a good film. and i kind of used it as a reverse trigger since greediness was scorned in every scene, and the fat boy in it was laughed at and everyone thought he was dispicable ("porker"). i also tried to make myself feel nauseated at the sight of all that chocolate, imagined the calories in that gooey fatty sugary sickly sitcky waste of calories. pure chcolate does look quite gross. since there's 25 kcals in one small square, when they showed huuuge bars being made at the beginning, and it was al melted... it was a bit gross. if i convinced myself it was. and i think i did. i definitely don't want to eat chocolate right now. expecially not after seeing a picture of me from a year ago when me and my friend were well drunk and licked melted chocolate off our friend's back as a dare. i have chocolate all round my mouth and it looks gross. in the bit where everyone was let free to explore the candy world, everytime they showed a nasty character they were eating and there seemed to be the subtext of "oooh, caught you doing something naughty and gross". the only time when good characters ate was when they had cabbage soup (LOL), so therefore not greedy, and when charlie shared his birthday chocolate (sharing, therefore kind & not greedy), when wonka gave grandpa a chocolate bird (was given to him, therefore not greedy), when wonka said "you look starved" to charlie and gave him a spoon of melted chocolate (ditto plus the fact he deserved it cos of being thin), and near the end, when they family were all enjoying a meal together (but i guess that's the exception to the rule, excpet it's a social event and nobody would be having more than anyone else). even when charlie was in the candy world, and he must have been so hungry from being poor, he wasnt interested in the food, but looking at things instead (because he's "good"). there was one exception, the skinny girl who was bad and spolit but didn't eat much (but, supposed to be pretty), and the other thin kids who were supposed to be disliked, who didn't eat much. all i could think was "eat less, you'll look like the skinny girl, eat more and you'll look like the fat boy".

BUT having said all that, it was a really great film, i love johnny depp and he was SO on form, and i like helena bonham carter, and charlie was sweet too. and it was so so so nice to see my friend who i met up with. she's an internet friend, and she brought one of her friends and i brought one of mine. we got a really nice pic of us together. i have no idea why anyone likes me, i'm so boring and irritating. but she likes me enough to want to get a pic of us together, and meet up with me. she's also really thin, although she says her BMI isn't below 20, she has the perfect figure!

gonna start tomorrow with the juice of a lemon (havent done that recently, need to shrink my stomach), then i'll have some galia melon (my favourite!) and strawberries. can't decide between milk and yogurt! i could always drink herbal tea all day...

7/29/05 04:23 pm

how many pounds til i'm skinny? how many pounds til i'm thin?

THIRTEEN more pounds and i'm happy, THIRTEEN more pounds and i win!

yogurt = 55
slice melon = ~10
raspberries = ~15
porrige - 76
apple (mmm the apple and porrige warmed together :D) - 50
milk - 55
cinnamon (2g) - 5
candarel - 4
soup - 109
2 slices of fried courgette- 20?
cottage cheese - 9
teeny bit of brie - 3
teeny bit of cranberry sauce - 3

=414... could do better... but did drink 5-6 litres of water so yay.

7/29/05 01:03 am

yogurt = 74
milk in tea = 26
apple = 50
ryvita = 28
vegemite(12) + herbes de provence(2) + egg white(15) = 29
13 raspberries = ~15
apricot = ~17
10 pc sweet popcorn = 20?
americano w/ sk. milk = 25?
tomato soup = 96
toast = 55
mustard (taste) = 3
gruyere (sliver) = ~5
cottage cheese (3g) = 3

= 446. hmmmm. not too bad- could do better.

i'm going to start the cabbage soup diet on sunday (saturday night i am staying at my friends'). i dont think i should tell my parents what i'm doing, just like make the soup and if they ask what i'm eating for dinner i'll say "i made soup" or "vegetables and fish" depending on the day. maybe i'll make the soup sunday, and start monday. whatever...

7/26/05 10:27 pm

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